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when he was in the depths of his despondency — the vitriolic despondency of one once assertively in the middle of everything who was now in the middle of nothing. Was himself now nothing, nothing but a motionless cipher angrily awaiting the blessing of an eradication that was absolute.

“You can continue to lie here if you like,” he said to Millicent Kramer after she had drunk some of the water.

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“I can’t be lying down all the time!” she cried. “I just cannot do it anymore! I was so agile, I was so active — if you were Gerald’s wife, you had to be. We went everywhere. I felt so free. We went to China, we went all over Africa. Now I can’t even take the bus to New York unless I’m laced to the gills with painkillers. And I’m not good with the painkillers — they make me completely crazy. And by the time I get there I’m in pain anyway. Oh, I’m sorry about this. I’m terribly sorry. Everybody here has their ordeal. There’s nothing special about my story and I’m sorry to burden you with it. You probably have a story of your own.”

“Would a heating pad help?” he asked.

“You know what would help?” she said. “The sound of that voice that’s disappeared. The sound of the exceptional man I loved. I think I could take all this if he were here. But I can’t without him. I never saw him weaken once in his life — then came the cancer and it crushed him. I’m not Gerald. He would just marshal all his forces and do it — marshal all his everything and do whatever it was that had to be done. But I can’t. I can’t take the pain anymore. It overrides everything. I think sometimes that I can’t go on another hour. I tell myself to ignore it. I tell myself it doesn’t matter. I tell myself, ‘Don’t engage it. It’s a specter. It’s an annoyance, it’s nothing more than that. Don’t accord it power. Don’t cooperate with it. Don’t take the bait. Don’t respond. Muscle through. Barrel through. Either you’re in charge or it’s in charge — the choice is yours!’ I repeat this to myself a million times a day, as though I’m Gerald speaking, and then suddenly it’s so awful I have to lie down on the floor in the middle of the supermarket and all the words are meaningless. Oh, I’m sorry, truly. I abhor tears.” “We all do,” he told her, “but we cry anyway.” “This class has meant so much to me,” she said. “I spend the whole week waiting for it. I’m like a schoolkid about this class,” she confessed, and he found her looking at him with a childish trust, as though she were indeed a little one being put to sleep — and he, like Gerald, could right anything.

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