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“There’s nothing shameful about it.”
“There is, there is,” she wept. “The not being able to look after oneself, the pathetic need to be comforted…”
“In the circumstances, none of that is remotely shameful.”
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“You’re wrong. You don’t know. The dependence, the helplessness, the isolation, the dread — it’s all so ghastly and shameful. The pain makes you frightened of yourself. The utter otherness of it is awful.”
She’s embarrassed by what she’s become, he thought, embarrassed, humiliated, humbled almost beyond her own recognition. But which of them wasn’t? They were all embarrassed by what they’d become. Wasn’t he? By the physical changes. By the diminishment of virility. By the errors that had contorted him and the blows — both those self-inflicted and those from without — that deformed him. What lent a horrible grandeur to the process of reduction suffered by Millicent Kramer — and miniaturized by comparison the bleakness of his own — was, of course, the intractable pain. Even those pictures of the grandchildren, he thought, those photographs that grandparents have all over the house, she probably doesn’t even look at anymore. Nothing anymore but the pain.
“Shhh,” he said, “shhh, quiet down,” and he returned to the bed to momentarily take her hand again before heading back to the class. “You wait for the painkiller to work and come back in when you’re ready to paint.”
Ten days later she killed herself with an overdose of sleeping pills.
At the end of the twelve-week session virtually everyone wanted to sign up for a second one, but he announced that a change of plans would make it impossible for him to resume giving the courses until the following fall.
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